| an ear to listen..... |
[15 Aug 2005|11:32pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 apathetic |
] |
school today.
i was thankful for the cloudy rainy weather.....not for the stupidity behind my school's doors.
the first thing i noticed, walking up the sidewalk were all the kids in their black band tees and bondage pants. all of them trying to outdo each other in a massive battle of band name dropping. i tried not to laugh as i walked by. what are they trying to prove? how they're better than most? cooler? more heavy metal?......im not sure where they find themselves in all of that.
i wasnt in homeroom 15 mins before it started. by it, i mean all the sexual slurrs, comments, taunts, etc. guys i used to hang out with, and really only sat by them because i knew them. the jokes about a pearl necklace i was wearing, jokingly fighting over me like i was the last piece of meat at the butcher's shop. "we can take you back to school man." "naw, she has tits, you dunt. of course im riding with her." all the hugs i didnt want. what are they trying to prove? immaturity? if so theyve done well.....talking to me as if i were some sex symbol, a toy, something dirty. im not, and i want it to stop. thats a huge reason i dislike school so much. those comments, even in jest or w/e they claim them to be[though i dunt believe them most of the time] make me feel dirty. gross. if sex is the only thing on your mind, and thats all you make conversation of.......stay away. im not here for that treatment. im tired already. waht's their gimmick?
sitting in english, before the bell.....watching people come in, listening to conversations....made me remember why i cut myself off from everyone from school[most everyone]. a girl i used to be cool with is now so consumed in her beliefs[wicca], she refuses to be opened minded and accepting of others beliefs.....which was the very thing she wanted. now, she tries to outdo everyone with her supreme knowledge of the universe, which cant save much....not herself. she missed the understanding part, the compassion. self centeredness is the death of all. another girl......we used to hang out everyday last year, until she found pot to be cooler than her relationship with me. this new found fun has not given her individuality....she has now become a statistic. she's not doing anything daring or new. and yet i assume thats why she does it. i let these people be. i do not want to be consumed by self. what are they trying to prove with self-indulgance? freedom from authority? so called oppression? they oppress themselves.
and this my friends was my first day of school. depressing as i watched the faces come in one at a time......and found no excitment in seeing them[save a few good souls].
:[
what are you trying to prove?
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[03 Aug 2005|01:37pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 i look hideous |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
hockey night |
] |
i got my schedule via mail a couple days ago. and i finally fixed it today.
+latin
+eng 4 AP
+us gov AP
+open[go to work time]
+marketing
+open[a real on this time]
+digital graphics
+open[go to work time]
thats it really. nothing too exciting, just classes and subjects i love.
thats my senior year.
i have pictures on tuesday at 2 30. geez am i excited.
doug came to church with me randomly. i guess not randomly, i mean all i said was "hey, what are you doing at 9...." and he came. i have ideas about how the church should be, which only partially add to why i dunt enjoy certain activities, but people take them as excuses. when its only an oppinion. dede and my mom are really the only two people who agree with my view, which is cool i guess. im starting to warm up to dede, she's pretty much just like me, which might be the reason i am so warry of her. i know i wouldnt want to befriend me. i have a question: how do i come off to other people, being not as eager to make friends and such? hmm. iunno. maybe you know?
the other night i got a giant "FUCK YOU" from blake. i wasnt even talking to him. nor had i been. he just decided to "fuck me" i guess. oh well. im still curious as to why.
ive been quite down lately. i left a show in tears because i was so worried about my mom, even thought she's fine. but the fact that her medicene could make her sick, makes me sick to my stomach. i really love my family. im worried about this year, with time and all. in my mind, itll be crazy, but maybe not. i like to make things up in my head. imagination i think they call it. thinking about college....i hate it. i think going out of state would be terrifying and wonderful at the same time. having no home base, no friends, would be quite the ordeal....hmm. the thought of leaving some people behind is ugh, no bueno. especially if i had to maintain a relationship.....geez that would kill me. but i guess i'll see when i get there. assuming i graduate ;]
im uber excited that rob is in both my english and government classes. so much fun.
we're going to be responsible and watch Big Fish tomorrow, as part of our summer reading/watching.
lemme just say: ROB AND AUDREY!!!! YAY! SO SO CUTE!
the above mentioned show was alright...the second band, hockey night, i was impressed. the end.
another show tonight.....go to my friends journals for the info. because you should go.
i wonder if my mommy will go.
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| my indie as eff birdy pants will rock your world |
[27 Jul 2005|11:56pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 nostalgic |
] |
"i think way too much." thats correct. and actually, unfortunately, tonite im feeling so very nostalgic and yet, i cant find a single thought to pull out of my mess of a thought process. thought overload id call it. like putting too much chocolate milk powder into your milk: even after you stir, there's still big clumps, kinda ruins the 'desired affect'. clump clump clump.
i was thinking, or rather attempted to think....about planning. as normal folks we all have dreams and goals, aspirations, and plans. and i find it so interesting how detailed our idea of our dream is; down to the very least important bit of information, and eventually, we fantisize how the dream or goal could grow, and start piecing together a future. we create perfect for ourselves. and see everything of how it will most definetly be. in out minds, nothing will change it....which is fine and natural because as selfish beings, we tend to block out every way but our own. of course we set ourselves up for failure, and dissapointment, frustration, quitting. as people, we tend to view any other path but the one we have created as indefinetly wrong and impossible. usually, our dreams tend to become skewed, distorted images; usually flip-flopped into a whole differnt scenario, with bits of our original idea mixed in. we then realize we arent in control. and our minds scatter. if we arent in control, our lives arent stable and we cant function[rather we dunt know how]. our lives are not our own. which makes me think, of all the plotting i do, i wonder if it will continue forward how i see it. prolly not. and im ready for that, kinda. im sure i will be when i get there. im glad im not in control, id screw myself over. i just have to keep telling myself that i dunt need to be in control. most times, i fail. like here of late; i have not been my own keeper and have held on to control. eh, maybe ill learn. i can only hope.
if you havent guessed already, i tend to hide behind different versions of myself. [i guess no one really has guessed yet; i seem to have everyone fooled.] which is alright, i suppose. there's only ONE who sees behind the caked on makeup of a life. thanks Him he does.
speaking of a madeup life if you will....i feel as if ive become somewhat bland in how i live life. im not all of who i could be. ive reduced myself back to a fraction of the chelsey i could be. part of that is knowing, or pretending to know, that i can make people think certain things about me. like acting[or manipulating, you decide]i can create multiple characters based on my audience. i know that i am not obligated to impress anyone, and so here in my life, i have pretty much been copping out on living. ive been the anti-thesis of impress or care. its been more of a blow off or stand-offish glow. not good. iamsuchamess. :[
my self image is terrible also. maybe i have a complex?
things im good at:
+overthinking things
+shedding hair
+breaking hearts
+giving david hugs&kisses
+playing into what people want to see/hear
+being average
the end.
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| im up way too early |
[22 Jul 2005|08:05am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 aggravated |
] |
but i havent slept all night. and that sucks. a whole lot. ive got to babysit three hours this morning, and then work at sheridan's till 1am. and that also sucks. i needed that sleep that didnt happen last night. really bad.
ive decided that the people who are 'training' me at sheridan's are idiots. either that or the whole training process is screwed up anyway. trainees there dunt get trained. we're all just kinda thrown in there and are expected to magically know what to do. last night this kid matt, he told me to clean the fruit bins. now, there are many steps involved in this task.....and i had no clue what to do. "clean the fruit bins"....k? and then he walked away. i had to ask two other employees, until i finally got clear directions.....from a fellow trainee who had been there a bit longer[and yet he had never done that himself]. thats not right. well, i guess it doesnt have to be, but still. i can only do as well as those people train me to. it made me laugh,kindof. not only are my trainers hard working and able to give me clear instructions, but they also like to pick at me, like an old, festering scab. take for example the red headed girl working drive. we'll give her a name: nancy. now, nancy had not even met me, in fact, i was quite happy not knowing her name and cheerfully handing her the orders. somehow, information regarding my name slipped out to her. as soon as she found out my name, every order that i took to her had something wrong with it[i will admit, i wasnt remembering things last night as far as the menu went]. silly things that really didnt need to be picked apart. one time, the hot fudge i had put on a sundae wasnt in the middle, and yet, when you pump the fudge in the middle, it slides to the sides. another time, the three inches of whipped cream i put on an order was 'too small'. k. that picking made me so nervous and or discouraged. ha, the longest three hour shift ever. thank you nancy for making me want to puke on one of your orders and hand it to you. :]
tonite should be hell.
all i can say is: i will be pissed if i dunt get hired after working two weeks, memorizing that stupid menu, and putting up with the people who are "training" me.
i think the only good thing about work last night was talking to brian[the other trainee]and buying a 5lb bag of our gummy worms for mr david. 5lbs for 5 bucks. thats a deal.
yesterday afternoon was cool and it needs to happen more often.
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| so, i left a show early |
[21 Jul 2005|11:49am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 curious |
] |
on my own accord.
this highly odd behavior was unprovoked. i simply wanted to leave;i wasnt having a good time and so i realized "hey, im not obligated to be here, and i can leave". so i did. just like that.
now about the good time part....its not that i was having bad time or anything of that nature, i wasnt enjoying the show. and i didnt feel like being around people much either. im not sure why, but i didnt. really, i prefered to stay in tony's back yard playing fetch with bella....she's such good company. and its not like i was putting forth any effort to be social either, so its no one's fault i left. in some ways, i guess i wanted to be alone, and off by myself, and thats not a good attitude to have at a social event, hence the social part. i wasnt needed, or adding to a thing. i felt much more relaxed when i got home. of course, my parents were kinda shocked, since there hasnt been a day[well maybe one]where ive come home early.
they, like a lot of other people, kept asking me what was wrong, or if i was upset. now, to an upset person, these words can taken as a token of concern. but, if youre not upset at all, not feeling down....these words become annoying, and eventually, make it so that you are upset at those people who assume you are. i got a lot of that last night. and like i said, i was quite content. no worries. ahh well.
there's really no point to this entry, but to explain why i left some random show. thats it.
happy[belated]birthday tony. to twenty-three more years of looking pretty as a pony! here here!
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| LHS freakin' sucks |
[19 Jul 2005|10:22pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 content |
] |
i recieve a letter by mail today[which is normally how one recieves letters], and it informs me that i have a meeting tomorrow, at 10am. i would like to thank the postal service and Lubbock High for almost causing me to miss an important meeting. but, luckily[for them],i dunt have to go. i already have a job,[which was what the meeting was for, since im in the career program], and so i have no need to be there. the end.
+my dad has to get tested for Hep c. its likely he has it due to his drug use with my mother[needles and such]. and if thats so, then there's a chance i might have it, or my younger sister. so, we have to be tested also.[and im deathly afraid of needles]. oh well.
+ive started the atonement by ian mcEwan. sometimes i hate it, sometimes its not so bad. i'll see.
+i really need to study this menu, so ican be hired, and so im not kicked out of the work program. eek.
+i really, really do not like the people in highschool. gah. [yeah, that means i dunt like me either]. if they could shutup for one minute and talk about something other than the weekend, or school and teachers and girls/boys, then well maybe, id have a change of heart. but its the same conversations everyday. guys making stupid passes at me, me *laughing* and secretly wanting to beat the crap out of them, and the girls who flirt with every living thing they see and care about nothing else but the parties theyll be seen at. geez people. youre right: youre much too pretty and cool for me to ever understand why your life is some much more beautiful than mine. and yet, i miss people staying over[girls, duh]. but i dunt know very many girls, and the ones i do, i dunt know too well. they all seem pretentious, reserved, annoying, typical, and dumb. with lbk girls, conversations usually consist of drugs, parties, how far they got with some random guy, who their latest crush is, school, people they hate, and yeah. i cant deal with that. i.just.cant. and i dunt know how to fix it, because, while i like groups and other people sometimes, i really enjoy intimate, deep conversations. that usually why im so quiet and then loud, and then quiet. the dynamics or me in a group setting are strange. like, i wanna be goofy, no, i want quiet and serious time, oh but everyone is being goofy. that made no sense.
+i dunt want anything for my bday, cept for my mommy to be feeling alright. her treatmnet date was moved up to august. poor thing is on anti-depressants.[one of the sideaffects of the drug is suicial thoughts]. thats all i want.
+i let mr david nap in my bed. i tucked the tired thing in and then went about the internet doing my thang. he's really quite adorable when he sleeps.
+id like to go shopping. and i dunt know why.
+ITS MY DADDY"S BIRTHDAY TOMORROW! HAPPY BIRTHDAY MR DADDY! HE'S 41! WHOOHOOO! I TOLD HIM HE NEEDS TO GO TO THE SHOW TOMORROW.....MAYBE HE'LL COME?
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| im sitting here, wrapped in a huge blue velvet blanket... |
[16 Jul 2005|02:08am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
contemplative |
] |
and im thinking. actually, ive tried sleeping and it just isnt working tonite. which is fine by me, since this is one of those nights where i have so much to say, but my brain will not form words. or refuses to seperate and examine. its all one big smear of paint on the mirror. i cant pinpoint exactly what emotions are comming to me right now, of course, being myself and female, those emotions are subject to constant change.
this comming school year is going to be tough, very much so. although my courses are few[dual credit english, latin, computer graphics, and government]i will still be working and trying to maintain relationships with my family and a few close friends. when im not at school i'll either be studying or working. it wont leave much time for family[which i would love to spend more time with them, considering my mom will start her treatment in september]or my best friend. my best friend will also be going to college, holding down a job, and the rest of this normal human stuff. trying to maintain this relationship is going to take some serious time management and priority shifting, and my only fear is that we will eventually spend less and less time together, thus distancing ourselves from each other. id hate to see that happen after all we've been through. iam hopeful though.
now, about my mom. some of you know this, although i do not remember who ive told and who i havent. but my mom has recently been diagnosed with hepatitis C. she first went to the doctors when her side started hurting, a reaction we though was brought on by some diet pills affecting her liver. in actuallity, it was her liver causing the pain, but as a sign of hep C. usually liver pain indicates liver damage, but thankfully no damage occured to my mom. there are three types of hepatitis C; types two and three have a 70% cure rate, with type one having a very low cure rate. we were hopeful that she had type two or three, but in fact, she has type one. a little discouraging overall since the treatment is longer[a year compared to 6 months] and is not garunteed to cure. Hep C is treated by a treatment simillar to chemotherapy called interferon. same side affects, same process, etc. i just want to be able to be there for her, and at the same time im not sure how. my whole family is pretty unsure how to handle this exaclty, considering that none of us has dealt with anything of the sort. with this busy year comming up, i want to be availible to her as best i can. we'll see how this goes. im sure it will be intresting.
about my best friend. his name is david, most of you know this, or at least i hope you do because i tend to make it a point to include him when i talk about my life. he has been a major part of my life for the past 10 months, and i hope to make that more. [i like refrencing september, bite me] september will be a year, which is so much more than i thought it ever could be. i can see this next year being hard for us to maintain a strong relationship, due to very busy schedules and medical issues[my mom] that will be happening. both of us will be in school, both working, me and my family, and whatever else that comes up. both of us have been spoiled in the area of time. we share and spend enormous amounts of time together. knowing this, i can accept that our time to hang out will be cut, which is alright, i can cope. i just dont want time to be strained for us. that would be no bueno. i dont really make a fuss over relational issues, im pretty chill about that, and thats why i approach david and i's relationship from a best friend perspective. losing a best friend to time is one of the lamest things ever, and i want to make sure i dont. yet again, i have no clue what im doing, or what to do to make that happen. and yet again. we'll see.
things that happened to me this week:
i yanked the shake mix dispenser off the fridge at sheridan's and shake mix poured out all over the kitchen area. everyone laughed, as did i.
my dad bought david a power amp. i think just to mess with our minds in thinking that he hates him.
i washed my sheets.
i got really grummpy.
i was lonely.
my dad and i survived the week without my sister and my mom.
i think thats it.
there's so much more on my mind. i just cant get it out.
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[09 Jul 2005|11:52am] |
hello again.
my longest appologies on never writting. or not. i could care less.
but, it's 'early' in the morning and there's nothing better to do.
::ATENTION:: EVRYONE, this means you.....seek out LABRADOR RECORDS......a label from sweden.....dear jesus they have FUN musak! gooood solid label for indie pop. this stuff makes you want to dance, or eat peeps, or well HAPPY things. i suggest checking out Suburban Kids with Biblical Names first. goood stuff. my shameless plug is over and followed with a link : http://www.labrador.se/sounds.php3
a bunch of stuff has happened since we've last heard from me:
+worked a 55 hr/week job with children[a very highly illegal place to work]
+quit my highly illegal, low paying, no breaks job
+went camping
+recieved an awesome yellow dress from a certain fellow[when i say awesome, i mean, this is amazing....pay attention!]
+got a job working at sheridan's frozen custard......::waves flag::
+finished one summer reading book out of three
+bought myself some undies
+i ate stuff
+i met a guy from H-town that i'd been talking to for over a year....he got to see angry driver chelsey. lucky him. [?]
+i slept
+ive succesfully managed to cut myself off from most people
+ive been bored
+etc etc
anyway, the rest is unimportant and will add no value whatsoever to your already dismal life[i say dismal, because, if youre reading this, then like me....the internet now owns your soul and you have nothing better to do than worship the glowing screen] ::bathroom break:: alrighty. ive already used up the 52 free rentals i got from hastings....:[ makes me VERY sad, considering all i ever do now is rent videos.
i think i might make a picture post here soon :O
btw......my myspace is kinda where i reside here of late, so if you want more updates you can find me here......: http://www.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=user.viewProfile&friendID=8685532&Mytoken=20050202155008
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| on pretty things.....well no, because its related to me |
[01 Jul 2005|02:12pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
cheerful |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
say hi to your mom |
] |
ive lost my eyeliner. lately, it wouldnt make me sad at all....no normally it wouldnt. but ive wanted to play dress up here recently, and something's been missing. i.cant.find.it. if youve taken it, please give it back. david, you know who you are.[ha!]youre still a pretty pretty princess without it. [so ami i suppose].
so, ive started laundry today. i havent done that in almost 3 weeks. yess, three. whoa! lemme tell you, i was starting to notice. so, now, my clothing wont stink and none of you have to run away in fear. hey, let's all be thankful that during this trying time, i have still been showering. it could be worse. much.
more fun health related facts about me: ive started drying my hair diffently. since its so long, and there's so much of it, ive decided not to bother blow drying it. it takes so long. so, instead, ive discovered the beauty of towel drying. my hair drys in less that 5 minutes. incredible i know! and it keeps its curl, of course. but today, sadly[or not], my hair took a turn for the worst. it lost its manners. i look like ive been electocuted. which i think is rad. my family, no the other hand, does not. but its mad crazy today. i enjoy it, but have been told i need to calm it down[oh poo why?]. so, if you see me today, rejoice because i have big, scary fun hair!
also: the second peeling of my sunburn has begun. the first layer of burn has peeled, now its the second's turn. festivities tonite!
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| " " |
[29 Jun 2005|09:41am] |
the end.
p.s.[thomas, who works at ihop, has giant scraps of metal]
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| to the boys who seem to be allergic to me.....and ladies who need direction |
[22 Jun 2005|10:41pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
cheerful |
] |
"I almost wanted to say something today. It doesn’t really matter now does it? I didn’t say anything, as usual.
Yet here I am, desperately trying to communicate simple words as passionate nothings. Yes, they do come off as nothings, that’s what they are after all, I mean, to you anyway; I’ve always felt connected to them in protective fashion. I mean, I suppose they could mean a number of things to me; and I say protective in the sense that I could tell you these nothings, these anything’s time and time again and yet still be semi-ignored, left frustrated not only by you and your seemingly bored state of existence in this mess, but also my lack of courage, or luster, whatever you seem to find is missing in me. Am I not screaming this to you? Hello. Hi, umm what? Hello? Wait, please hold. Click……..hung up on, again.
Ah, but see? Your nothings are my anything’s. Though you may think silly girl, what a dreamer, I say silly man, why don’t you hear? Just shut yourself up for five minutes and think. Nothing philosophical, nothing biased, nothing past. Why can’t things be so simple, everything holds some deep meaning, some cryptic song. I am not in lacking, I am able to see things differently than you: simply. And so as this statement bothers you, sends you into a seizure of lack of self-confidence, I leave you with this thought: have i become nothing, or am i an anything? i am not something that posions, nor aims to wound, i am whatever you make me to be. for i am just a thought, a nothing. an anything."
::pause for a lovely song by iron and wine::
who's seen jezebel
she was born to be
the woman i would know
hold like a breeze
that was tight as both eyes closed
who's seen jezebel
she was walking where
the ceders line the road
her blouse on the ground
where the dogs were hungry roaming
singing wait
we swear we'll love you more
and holy jezebel
who's seen jezebel
she was born to be
the woman we could blame
make me a beast half as brave
i'd be the same
who's seen jezebel she was gone before
i ever got to say
lay here my love
your the only shape i'll pray to
jezebel
and who's seen jezebel
with the mountain last
long as i can wait
wait like the dawn how
it longs to see the day
and who's seen jezebel
she was certainly
the spark for all i'd done
window was wide she could see
the dogs come running
singing wait
we swear we'll love you more
and holy jezebel
sometimes a girl just feels like jezebel, not in the slut sense, but in the lost or torn sense.
if there are any girls who read this, and want/need some help/comfort.....hit me up. i love to listen to people. if youre lost, confused, angry.....i'll listen and help any way possible. know that there are people who care. and who are up in the hours most people are sleeping[hint hint].
this one's for the ladies.
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| ohh technological |
[22 Jun 2005|12:07pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
chipper |
] |
andrew has me listening to daft punk again.
which is good, because it makes me dance, and we all know, i love dancing.
im listening to snow patrol as of now, and late. a pretty decent band, nothing wow....but a good solid band. well, i was listening to song number seven, i think it's called run, but it sounded very familiar. and then i remembered. when benji and i had gone to the movies a few weeks ago, we saw a preview while standing and waiting for some buttery popcorn. and the music is what made me determined to see that movie later: death cab was playing along with explosions in the sky[that alone almost killed me] and then snow patrol, this song. its too awesome. but anyway. the movie is called shop girl. i need a date, or multiple ones. who wants to go?
i have a job interview today. i need a job. after my last one, anything is better. im so glad i quit.
can you get giant scraps[guess they wouldnt be called scraps] of metal at the junkyard?
i need that also.
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| shh |
[03 Jun 2005|11:42pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 worried |
] |
Poison Oak some boyhood bravery.
when the telephone was a tin can on a string.
and I fell asleep with you still talking to me.
you said you weren't afraid to die.
In polaroids you were dressed in women's clothes.
were you made ashamed whyd you lock them in the drawer.
And I don't think that I ever loved you more.
Than when you turned away.
When you slammed the door.
When you stole the car drove towards Mexico.
And you wrote bad checks just to fill your arm.
I was young then I still believed in war.
But let the poets cry themselves to sleep.
and all their tearful words could turn back into steam.
me Im a single cell on a serpants tongue.
and theres a muddy field where a garden was
and I'm glad you got away.
but I'm still stuck out hear.
my clothes are soaking wet from your brothers tears.
And I never thought this life was possible.
You're the yellow bird that I've been waiting for.
The end of paralysis I was a statuette
Now I'm drunk as hell on a piano bench,
And when I press the keys it all gets reversed.
The sound of lonliness makes me happier.
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[03 Jun 2005|07:45am] |
|
I love you David!
i will miss you and eagerly await monday.
have an awesome trip!
all my love,
chelsey
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| poison oak |
[02 Jun 2005|04:08pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
nauseated |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
bright eyes-# 9 |
] |
this is getting old.
despite feeling incredibly cheeky last night, i just feel like_______.
this is very strange, this feeling shouldnt be felt right now.
for the past week, most everyday at some point i always revert to this pain in my chest and its not pleasent. some feeling of impending doom, which may very well be comming. and it's so random! im very happy one moment and the next, bam, im hit, and feel like choking on the knot that my very throat has formed. why? why why why? im not understanding, why i feel this__________.
can you tell me why[insert rhetoric].
why i feel this _________. [heartbreak][?]
thats why i went home, it doesnt feel good. or right, like i should feel guilty for feeling a pain that is nonexistent. its not mine. its not mine! why am i feeling something that has no reason to even be thought of? there is nothing that has provoked or formed this feeling, it just appeared! it makes me sick to my stomach actually, that im even talking about this.
it doesnt make sense, nor does a lot of things.
show tonight. should i go? risk being debbie downer[ha] and feeling like shit for no reason at all, and then being pissed that im feeling that way? sounds great.
but first i have to go watch little ones.
my sister is sick.[throwing up since 5am]
my mother is sick.[im not even going there]
dad is holding together.
i dunt know where i stand. i dunt know.
if impending doom does fall, let it be on me. im ready to go home.
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| pain sticks |
[17 May 2005|07:36am] |
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mood |
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worried |
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there is so much pain everywhere.
so much tonight. so much last night.
too much hurt, and i swear id take it all if i could. but i cant, i can only support those fighting their own battles, while i fight mine. pain is what brings us together, a common connection of sorts, everyone has pain, everyone relates. pain and love.
incredibly, we are made stronger by it, and our connections with others grow also.
do know, that if you have any battles, i will be here. whether or not you want help, need it, im here to listen at least. know that everything's going to get better, for every low time, there's a high. we just dunt recognize the high times usually. im there for you and yours.
healing.....healing.
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[12 May 2005|07:39am] |
stole'ed' from roooob....
1. Reply with your name and I will write something about you.
2. I will then tell what song/movie remind me of you.
3. If I were to apply an o'clock to you, it would be...
4. I will try to name a single word that best describes you.
5. I'll tell you the most memorable moment I've had with you.
6. I will tell you what animal you remind me of.
7. I'll then tell you something that I've always wondered about you.
8. Put this in your journal.
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| my love goes with you |
[10 May 2005|10:09pm] |
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mood |
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drained |
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| [ |
music |
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innocence mission |
] |
Beautiful and dearest child,
morning comes soon, sleep awhile.
Fly away to trees that sway
in dreams peaceful and green.
Of the happiness you bring
I will sing, oh I will sing.
My love goes following
you into your dreams.
By lo, by lo,
my love goes with you now.
My love, my love,
my love goes with you now.
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| oh dear |
[26 Apr 2005|10:58pm] |
iam very tired and cant really think. at all.
i didnt want to deal with my car being broken into. i still dont.
i just want to sleep.
the reason im so upset is that it scared me. i could care less about what was stolen. but the fact that ima keep parking where i was.....thats scary. this has never happened to me, and it freaks me out.
ima go to sleep.....does anyone know what the paper is supposed to be over for english?
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| maybe he's right. |
[31 Mar 2005|08:49pm] |
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mood |
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drained |
] |
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music |
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------------------ |
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iam rude.
iam selfish.
its all about me.
i always play the victim.
three nights in a row. i hit the jackpot.
most of all im am tired.
iam confused.
iam scared.
iam.
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punk_isnotdead's journal